I became convinced that my vision was affected by the condition, and I was seeing visual snow and 'floaters'. The DP was worse in the morning so I spent half the day in bed with the curtains closed. I could hardly sleep and had regular nightmares. I was living in my head, watching the world pass by. I felt constantly afraid of the world around me everything and everyone I knew and loved were suddenly things to be scared of, and I was totally cut off from them. In fact, to describe the terror that I felt in the weeks and months following the attack would be a difficult thing. A few weeks ago my life was going great, now I was stuck with this terrifying condition, every day, 24/7 for the rest of my life? Feeling Terrified I stayed in bed for days, trying to process what was happening. And there were almost no Depersonalization recovery stories to be found. I couldn't deal with this for another month, never mind for the rest of my life. I remember sitting at my computer and having a panic meltdown when I read about these people. I was absolutely terrified that I was going to be like this permanently.Īnd then it got worse. There were many people on Depersonalization forums who said that they had had the conditions for years, decades even. I was having horrible, frightening existential thoughts all day, every day. I felt more and more disconnected from the world around me. My mind was racing all the time, trying to understand what was happening. I couldn't concentrate on any book, film or even conversation anymore. The ‘fuzzy’ feeling was now constantly in my head, and I could not stop thinking about it. This worry caused more panic attacks, and I began to feel worse and worse. I really began to worry that whatever this was, it wasn't going away.
It had to, right? But more days went by, and I felt the same. It was horrible and frightening - but still I was sure that it would soon pass on its own. I also felt like my perception of time and memory was affected.Īnd I was having constant strange and frightening thoughts, so much so that I found it hard to concentrate on anything in my day to day life. The world looked like it was in 2D, like I was watching a movie. I felt disconnected from the world around me. I was experiencing very strange symptoms: I felt like I was dreaming, that I couldn't wake up properly. I woke up the next day with that same weird 'fuzzy' feeling, and just couldn’t shake it. So, I went straight to bed, confident that I could sleep this feeling off – and everything would be fine in the morning. It felt like I was high on weed or half asleep. I noticed that my mind felt ‘fuzzy’ and I was quite disoriented. But even after I had calmed down, I didn't feel quite right. I had no idea what was happening to me, and for a moment I seriously thought that I was actually going insane (a feeling commonly reported in panic attacks).Īfter a few minutes I began to calm down a little, though I still felt really nervous. Worse, I felt like reality was breaking apart. I felt like the walls were closing in around me. I suddenly felt an overwhelming fear, though I could see no danger around me.
It came out of nowhere and it was terrifying.
It happened as I was sitting alone, watching television. The First Panic Attackīut all of that changed on the night of the 31st August 2005, when I suffered an intense panic attack. I thought that as long as I lived, I’d always have them available to me. And for many years, I took all of these wonderful things for granted.
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